Step right up and get some crap
The Cubs finally announced their giveaways, and they're pretty good
Quick take on Bregman to the Red Sox - It was surprising to see the Cubs willing to go four years and $120 million for Alex Bregman. Even if you think he'd opt out of the last two years and $60 million of that, it's a big risk. There's no way he'll still be a $30 million player by then (he's probably not now). As for the Red Sox going $40 million per over three years, it's pretty simple. They have the money and the luxury tax room and they decided if it takes $120 million to get him, get it over with and don't be on the hook for any of it four years from now. He's not going to opt out of either of those $40 million years, but he probably wasn't going to opt out of any of the Cubs' $30 million years, either. Plus, there's the thought that the owners will push hard for a salary cap in the upcoming CBA and might just nuke the 2027 season altogether, which means this would become a two-year, $80 million deal for the Sox. My guess is the possible strike had something to do with the Cubs' aggressiveness, too.
What does this say about how high they'll go on the Kyle Tucker contract offers? Who's to say. They aren't ever very consistent. But I guess this isn't a bad sign about how willing they might be to pay him.
Anyway, on to our regularly scheduled nonsense.
One of my favorite articles to write every year at The Athletic was the one every February where I got to make fun of the junk the Cubs were giving away.
Here's an example, and it even has the infamous disclaimer at the top that Jon Greenberg had to add to get the sophisticated readership to understand there were jokes in it.
There are usually some awful giveaways, like the year the Kerry Wood bobblehead that looked like somebody had painted over AJ Burnett's tattoos.
I always wanted the Cubs to do a Kerry Wood in the MRI machine bobble, but they never did.
They gave away awful socks for a few years, anything with Clark on it automatically sucks, they had a plastic microphone for some reason.
But the Cubs have had some good ones over the years. And I enjoyed the "Giveaway Hall of Fame" video they did to announce the promotional schedule release. Honestly, we know that tunnel's not good enough for their greatest players, and I'm not sure it's good enough for their best promo junk, either.
Let's take a look at some of the garbage we can get for the low, low price of going to a game this year.
April 4, 1:20 p.m. v. Padres
Magnet Schedule
I'm a big fan of the magnet schedule, even though my basement fridge is stainless and nothing sticks to the front of it, I would find a way to display this throwback-ish schedule. My wife's not letting me put it on the one in the kitchen.
April 5, 1:20 p.m., v. Padres
Cubs Flannel
It's fine. I'm sure it'll turn to tissue paper in your washing machine the third time you try to run it through, but it's not a bad looking shirt. What the fuck is with the Motorola logo on the shoulder, though?
April 19, 1:20 p.m., v. D'bags
"Speedy" Petecrow Armstrong Bobblehead
It's an excellent bobble. I like that the helmet is detachable and you can set it aside to show how Petecrow has discarded it Sarge-esque on his way to the next base. I also like that he's running so fast that his blue hair dye has puddled up on the ground right behind his foot. Wait, is that not what that is?
April 22, 6:40 p.m.
Reusable Earth Day Tote Bag, v. Dodgers
Meh. Ooh, another tote bag. You know what would be a better Earth Day promotion? The Cubs should give the gas powered mowers a rest and let the first 100 lucky fans (yes, you too, Al) go out on the field with those old timey non-motorized push mowers and mow the field. Bonus points if somebody can hand mow "SIGN TUCKER" into the right field grass. More bonus points if you accidentally mow Mookie Betts' foot while you're out there. No offense, Mookie.
April 26, 3:05 p.m., v. Phillies
Clark the Cub's Scoreboard Bobblehead
Nope. So many things wrong with this. Why do we need a bobble of a pantsless Bear dry humping our beloved historic scoreboard? Is he detachable? Can I just throw him away? Is it to scale? Are they going to unveil an enormous 50 foot tall Clark before the season opens? It's terrifying. I see that it's 1:20 p.m. on the clock and the game starts at 3:05 that day, so is that why they didn't bother to put a batter or a count on the scoreboard? Also, it's annoying that they caved to the edicts of MLB not to refer to the A's as Sacramento (or even the more accurate West Sacramento) while they're serving their residency in the California capital (or adjacent town, because the minor league park isn't in Sacramento proper). They want to just be referred to as the Athletics, which is dumb and insulting. But why did the Cubs put them on the scoreboard at all? There's not room for every game in either league on the board so if every team is playing that day three games don't make the board. Why not leave the "Athletics" off altogether? The games on the board are the actual games scheduled for that day, which is kind of cool, but completely unnecessary. They left off the interleague games Giants-Rangers, Padres-Rays and Marlins-Mariners, I guess because they didn't want to confuse people with the whole National-American sides of the board and they didn't want to leave the insecure White Sox off the board, either. I would, just to give them something else to bitch about.
May 30, 1:20 p.m., v. Reds
Vintage Quarter Zip
Ehh...it's not great. Then again I wouldn't wear anything with Budweiser on it anyway.
May 31, 1:20 p.m., v. Reds
Dansby Swanson Flow Headband
It's tremendous. This is the kind of giveaway they should do more of. It's funny, and fans are going to want to wear them. Maybe Dansby will forget that he can catch a line drive that hits the pitcher and just let it drop for no reason again and we can all throw these on the field Randy Myers Poster Day style? Why not more player themed physical trait giveaways? Ian Happ Hairplug Day. Javier Assad Prescriptionless Glasses Day (I'm never not amused by the haphazard way he decides when or if he needs to wear them). Nate Pearson Three Size Too Small Pants Day. The options are limitless.
June 1, 1:20 p.m., v. Reds
Shōta Imanaga Bobblehead
I love that they have a Shōta bobble. I love that his name is on it in Kanji, too. Nice touch. But this bobblehead sucks. Why is he taking a dump next to his locker? Why is a guy with a super cool windup not in that windup on his bobble? You know it was because they thought it was so cute to have a coffee cup with "Mike" on it and they reverse engineered the entire thing. Why not an actual cool bobble of Shōta where he's pitching to give out at one game and a Dunkin coffee tumbler with "Mike Imanaga" written on it for another? Do I have to think of everything?
June 12, 7:05 p.m., v. Pissburgh
Pride Celebration
This looks great. The players should wear them in the game. Even better, the Cubs should trade for Jason Adam just for this game so he can refuse to wear it and then they can cut him during the game live on the jumbotron.
Oh, who are we kidding? There's a non-zero chance the Cubs cancel this giveaway out of fear that Trump will pull Wrigley's landmark status.
June 13, 1:20 p.m., v. Pissburgh
Cubs Umbrella Hat
This giveaway has become kind of a staple, but why? The joke was funny 40 years ago. Here's proof.
And bringing it back in 2018 was fun, but enough already. The only redeeming thing is that on "Bud" Fridays this year they aren't just giving out shoddy tank tops for the fat guys to try to squeeze into like they have in the past.
June 20, 1:20 p.m., v. Seattke
Blues Alternate Giveaway Jersey
Credit where credit is due. They did a very nice job with this jersey and I'm glad it's a giveaway. I hope the actual giveaway jersey is like the one in the mockup and you get 25 with no name on it so I can tell people that it's the greatest name to ever wear 25 for the Cubs.
Pete LaCock!
But you can also tell people it's:
Yency Almonte, Brad Boxberger, Steven Brault, current Sox manager Will Venable, Chris Bosio (who was so fat he only wore the jersey one day a year...picture day), Troy O'Leary, Orlando Merced, Tuffy Rhodes, Candy Maldonado, Gary Scott, Marvell Wynne, Gary Woods, Scot Thompson, Moe Morhart or Moe Thacker (each wore it in 1961, two Moe's and then no mo'!), or the other Frank Thomas.
Don't tell them it's Derrek Lee or Rafael Palmeiro. They were actually good. So it's not funny.
June 22, 1:20 p.m., v. Seattke
Michael Busch Lightning Bobblehead
I have no idea why it's a "lightning" bobblehead. If anybody should have one of those it would be Jeremi Gonzalez. (Too soon?) I hope the Cubs are flexible with this and if the Mariners start a lefty that day, the bobble shouldn't be Busch batting, it should be him sitting on the bench.We've seen the Shōta one, we know they have the technology.
July 2, 7:05 p.m., v. Guardians
Camp Cubs
I don't know what this is. The shirt is kind of cool, it has a very "Do the Cubs shit in the woods?" vibe to it, but I don't get it. I'd wear it, though.
July 3, 7:05 p.m., v. Guardians
100th Anniversary of Cubs Radio Broadcasts Bluetooth Speaker
Huh? I had no idea the first Cubs broadcast was available on bluetooth. Man, they really were innovative. Why isn't this thing shaped like an old time radio? This is just half assed.
July 6, 1:20 p.m., v. Cardinals
Cubs Hawaiian Shirt
Historically, the Hawaiian shirts have been pretty nice. But why do they do giveaways for Cardinals games? I know they suck this year so instead of Wrigley being half Cardinals fans it'll only be like 46% Cardinals fans, but don't give them anything. Fuck 'em.
July 18, 1:20 p.m., v. Red Sox
Cubs Vintage Tank Top
Oh, bullshit. There are tank tops. Budweiser's the worst. Well, at least they're not giving out cheaply made clip on sunglasses.
Aug. 1, 1:20 p.m., v. Orioles
Budweiser Flip-Up Sunglasses
Fans shouldn't be urged to throw these on the field in disgust, it should be mandated. What an awful giveaway. Even if they work, which I'm sure they don't, what a cheap piece of shit. They should either be styled to look like Harry Caray classes or even better like the ones players wore in the '70s and '80s like Ryne Sandberg immortalized on his statue. These are terrible.
Aug. 3, 1:20 p.m., v. Orioles
Greg Maddux 1988 Rain Delay Bobblehead
Just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber. You go and do something like this...AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!
Love it. We'll have to see what the actual bobble looks like but the idea is top notch. On the way out of the game fans should get a copy of the letter that Maddux got that told him he'd been fined for sliding on the tarp during the 8-8-88 rain delay.
Aug. 15, 1:20 p.m., v. Pissburgh
Budweiser Cubs Corduroy Cap
Looks like shit. Why is Budweiser actively sabotaging the giveaways?
Sept. 12, 1:20 p.m., v. Rays
Budweiser Cubs Vintage Tee
You can't complain about a free t-shirt. Right? Fuck that. This is awful. Budweiser is the worst.
Sept. 23, 6:40 p.m., v. Mets
Oktoberfest at the Ballpark
I know that Oktoberfest doesn't have to be in October and I know the Cubs don't have any regular season games in October (season ends at Wrigley on Sept. 28), but this just sets them up for, "this is as close as they'll get to October" jokes.
By me.
Also, in the kid giveaway section they are giving out these stupid Youth Baseball and Softball Sliding Gloves not once, not twice, but four times!
Somebody overbought, eh?
I do like the Back to School Backpack Giveaway. Looks pretty good.
The hats for the university theme nights are not great this year. Here's the UIC one for example.
Not terrible, but pretty meh.
The Teacher Appreciation Fleece (May 5, v. Giants) is pretty nice. Notice the touch with the old fashioned bear holding a pencil instead of his penis...I mean his bat.
And who could miss Cubs Pet Toys day (July 21 v. Royals) where you can get free, substandard toys for your cat or dog that will fall apart when they play with them and choke them to death, just like the Cubs will in the final week of the season?
There are a lot of giveaway days.
A lot.
I didn't even touch on them all. Which means ticket pre-sales were less than robust, because even though these are all sponsored to some degree, if the Cubs didn't think they needed them, there's no way there would be this many.
